It's Not Me, It's You

July 15, 2022

Husband-and-wife co-authors Kim (I Used To Be a Miserable F*ck) and Bennett (co-host of the podcast Cheaper Than Therapy) deploy their experience as marriage and family therapists, life partners, and co-parents in this guide to resolving relationship conflicts. Their book straddles research-informed, therapist-as-writer guidance and memoir, as Bennett and Kim's examples often draw on conflicts from their own family histories, their previous romantic relationships (including an ended engagement and a divorce), and their current partnership. The text tilts more heavily toward the personal, but Bennett and Kim contextualize their divulgences with psychosocial theory. Key concepts--projection; flooding (psychological overwhelm); intergenerational transmission of trauma--appear in sidebars. Kim and Bennett trade off writing chapters and sometimes offer different perspectives of situations and concepts. They also share anonymized examples from their clinical practice to introduce concepts like nonviolent communication. The book's title seems to suggest putting responsibility for a relationship in the other person's court, but Bennett and Kim demonstrate that relational dynamics are formed by multiple personal histories and experiences. VERDICT From a pair of marriage and family therapists, this book is a good choice for readers seeking self-help that balances memoir and relationship guidance.--Jennifer M. Schlau

Copyright 2022 Library Journal, LLC Used with permission.

August 15, 2022
An exploration of the complex psychology of relationships. Kim and Bennett have more in common than just being therapists and self-admitted "flawed and complicated humans." They are also a committed, unmarried couple. With a smooth balance of advice and affable humor, the authors present the keys to a proactive, durable relationship, reiterating the lessons they've learned from their own time together. While the authors accept that people crave finding "the one," the procession of simmering romance, marriage, family, and career growth can be a challenge. Kim and Bennett dig into a variety of barriers that hinder the development and maintenance of successful relationships--e.g., intimacy ambivalence and the pressures of familial upbringing (Kim's parents, who "are old school Korean, taught him to "push feelings down)"--and the ways couples can break down these barricades both separately and together. In addition to candid stories about their own ongoing learning curve, the authors relate client experiences that reflect common challenges for anyone in a committed relationship. Their advice ranges from obvious ("passion and intensity aren't enough to build and sustain a relationship") to more nuanced, like how to navigate the emotional contours of mutual intimacy and suppressed "anger, resentment, or eggshells." Alternating narration, the authors provide unique opinions and philosophies on a variety of relationship topics, including attachment styles, effective communication strategies, the ever present pitfalls of codependency, jealousy, and unhealthy behavioral patterns. The authors end each chapter with "Questions To Ask Yourself" and a section called "The Practice," which challenges readers to apply what they have learned. Consistently encouraging, the authors are convincing in their assertion that a healthy, productive, mutually gratifying love connection is achievable with the proper tools and a willingness to look inward and put in the work. "You can only be responsible for yourself and how you show up," they write. "How your partner shows up and the amount of effort they put in is entirely on them." A solid compendium of love, lessons, and constructive homework.

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